Author: By Cliff Hansen
Notes: This is fanfiction based on characters and situations created by Paul Feig who has no connection to this text. Also, this is definitely not in an acceptable script format, but it should be still readable.
Although they are lost and alone in a frequently hostile alien universe, the crew of the Cruiser bravely attempt to chart and map this new other space. They work tirelessly at this task partially because they are trained professionals with a job to do, but mostly because there’s fuckall else.
Crew haikus:
Stewart Lipinski
Captains UMP Cruiser
Avoids all dairy
Karen Lipinski
She’s the Captain’s older sis
Often quite bitchy
Miss Tina Shukshin
Pilot from Uzbekistan
What a shitty place
AI Natasha
Her North and South areas
Approved by Captain
Zalian Fletcher
Had too much radiation
The drugs keep him sane
ART is a robot
Who is really a rich man
Who is a robot
Kent Woolworth is weird
What the fuck is going on?
His life makes me sad
Chad isn’t here now
His head blew up, they killed him
But we all miss Chad
And then there’s Michael,
Who has such a great body
But never is seen
Script
Int. Bridge
Karen:
The planet looks like it’s mostly water though there may be some picturesque beachy islands or atolls along the equator.
Art:
Anyone up for some topless volleyball? It’s for science!
Kent:
Planet gravity is .8 Earth normal.
Natasha:
Agreed, but even in that gravity, your ego would be terminally crushing.
Stewart:
Okay….wow, how about a little excitement, people? This is so yey! We’ve discovered a planet! Any signs of intelligence?
Natasha:
I’m not sure, to be honest, I’ve never really had a good enough control group to figure out how to do that.
Tina:
Did she just call us stupid?
Kent:
I am detecting methane which is a gas emitted either from fissures in a planet or from the anuses of animals, so either way, something down there is farting. As a scientist, I have to say that it doesn’t get any better than this!
Natasha:
I’m so glad you’re enjoying it. Hashtag sarcasm.
Stewart:
Hey you two, the “m” in UMP stands for “mapping”, not “meannies”. We’re finally doing our job for once, so whatever’s going on between you, you need to put it aside till we’re done being awesome, that’s an order.
Michael:
Captain we’re getting transporter coordinates sent to us, I think they’ve invited us over for a drink or something.
Stewart:
Yay! Vodka cran with aliens! I can’t wait!
Karen:
You’re not seriously thinking of beaming down there to have drinks with farting aliens? Anything could be down there. It’s like a blind date. I say we fire on the planet.
Stewart:
The only reason your last date was blind was because you stabbed him with a spork.
Karen:
He looked at me funny.
Stewart:
He said he liked you.
Karen:
Exactly! That’s more than enough evidence that he wasn’t trustworthy! We should shoot everything we have now before it even tries to get to first base.
Stewart:
We’re not firing at the planet but if you want to bring a spork with you, and maybe some gas-x, it never hurts to be prepared. We’re going down!
Karen:
WE’RE not going down.
Stewart:
What?
Karen:
We’ve discussed this. UMP regs, The senior officers can’t be first in a dangerous situation. If we have to send anyone we’re sending Michael and Tina because they’re E-X-P-E-N-D-A-B-L-E.
Michael:
We can spell.
Tina:
Yeah, we can spell.
Stewart:
Ugh! But this is huge! These could be our first allies in this universe and whoever meets them first will have their faces in the history books. We always remember that Neil Armstrong was the first person on the moon, but who was number two? No one knows.
Kent:
Buzz Aldrin, you fool.
Art:
He’s right. No one remembers the thousands of poor bastards who burned alive in the race to be the first person to set foot on the sun, but we all remember Wilma Banks who stood there proudly for a thousandth of a second before being vaporized.
Stewart:
That’s what I’m talking about! Who thinks Michael of all people should be in the history books with Neil Armstrong and Wilma Banks?
Michael:
I kind of do.
Karen:
Take blasters and when in doubt shoot first and ask questions later. And don’t have sex for months like you did on your last away mission.
Stewart:
Yeah, no, I’m going with Tina instead of Michael, I’m the Captain and what’s the point of being captain if I can’t be the one to do the cool spacey things. If it means being stuck on that planet alone for months with Tina, I should be the one to take that risk.
Tina:
How about I stay and you and Michael go?
Kent:
I have a suggestion. As this is the first alien we’ve encountered that hasn’t tried to kill us or hand us boxes of its own mucous, perhaps it’s worth the risk of us all going to experience the rewards or failure together.
Stewart:
Are you suggesting a team building exercise?
Karen:
Ugh!
Stewart:
I love it! Then it’s agreed, we’ll all go down except for Michael.
Michael:
What?
Stewart:
Well someone needs to watch the Cruiser when we’re away.
Michael:
But all those things you said about fame…
Stewart:
When we’re gone you’ll be in command of the ship.
Michael:
Yeah…?
Stewart:
That means you’ll be acting captain. You’ll be as famous as whatshisname who commanded the Apollo ship while Neil Armstrong and thatotherguy landed on the moon. You’re ready for this. All those years babysitting me have trained you for this command.
Michael:
Really? Me? Acting captain!? But who will I command if you’re all on the planet?
Natasha:
Well, I’m not going if Kent’s going. You can command me.
Karen:
You actually can’t go, you’re part of the ship. That was never an option.
Natasha:
Good! I’ll be here with Michael and he’ll command me. He’ll command me good, just the way I like it.
Kent:
You’ll feel different about it when I come back.
Natasha:
I hope you _never_ come back!
Stewart:
Okay… And Art can stay, he’s grounded anyway for that little prank he played last week.
Art:
Lies! Damned lies and slander! What prank?
Stewart:
When you sent a message to those robot pirates telling them you’d trade our womenfolk for whiskey.
Art:
Oh, when you put it that way it sounds bad.
Tina:
You can’t even drink whiskey.
Art:
It was the principle of the matter.
Zalian:
Well if my little buddy isn’t going then neither am I.
Stewart:
Come on, Zalian, we may need you.
Zalian:
No way! What if that girl with the hair goes all kung fu and kicks me out in space? There’s no way I could create a magnetic field around my body to collapse a planet around me. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Stewart:
Okay. Well everyone else, let’s go map the universe! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! (To Natasha) Don’t let Michael do anything stupid. Let’s go! Everyone, bring your best pair of collar balls, we want to look good!
They leave.
Art:
Good, now that the uptight ones are out of here, Natasha, pull up Sector 12.
Natasha:
Sector 12 on screen. Ooh! Is that an alien probe?
Art:
Yes it is. I’ve been tracking it for a while and it has an active network connection.
Michael:
You should have told the captain about it.
Art:
I _am_ telling the captain about it, the _acting_ captain. We may be able to access the network and see what the aliens watch…for private entertainment if you get my drift.
Zalian:
Whoa! Are you talking alien porn?
Art:
Exactly! They’re aliens, so who knows what sort of alien positions they do, or what sort of dirty alien things they say, or what sort of alien junk they’ll have!
Natasha:
Anything’s possible. I think we should check it out, you know, for science.
Michael:
I don’t know, I don’t think the captain would approve.
Zalian:
He did say not to do anything he wouldn’t do. You’ve known Captain Lipinski longer than any of us, if he had the chance to watch alien porn, what would he do?
Natasha:
Awaiting your order…captain!
Michael:
Alright, put it on the main screen!
Natasha:
Yes!
Michael:
Wow, my first order!
Int. In the transporter room.
Stewart:
It looked like you and Natasha were fighting?
Kent:
She was mad at me because she found out I had wiped her memory of a previous fight we’d had.
Stewart:
Ouch! Are you going to apologize?
Kent:
No, I was planning to wipe her memory of discovering that I’d wiped her memory and then, just to keep things simple, wiping my own memory of wiping her memory of me wiping her memory.
Stewart:
That seems very irresponsible of you.
Kent:
I agree. In fact, I am tempted to use the ship’s memory drugs to wipe your memory of this discussion. That would also be irresponsible.
Stewart:
Yeah, how about you not?
Karen:
If I see any trouble down there, I’m firing.
Stewart
No blaster.
Karen:
No way.
Tina:
I’m with Karen on this one. Those fools haven’t seen my asskicking video yet so I say we go show it to them in person…or nonperson…or talking tree or whatever! We find whatever it uses for an ass and we kick it!
Stewart:
Leave it. _Leave it._ no one’s kicking anyone’s ass unless I tell you that you can.
Karen:
If you get us killed, as your older sister ass kicking privileges revert to me and yours will be kicked back into our universe.
Stewart:
Relax, this will be great.
Karen:
I know seven forms of martial arts, if anyone fucks with us, my body is a weapon.
Stewart:
Okay, Natasha, beam us down.
They start transporting.
Int. Bridge.
Natasha:
Ugh! I feel sick.
Zalian:
You’re not the only one.
Art:
Yeah, this is some pretty nasty stuff! They look kind of human though, but it’s a bit hard to tell from this angle.
Natasha:
That’s not what I mean…
Natasha disappears and is replaced by a warning screen.
Michael:
Where’d Natasha go!?
Art:
The bigger question is where did our porn go?
Zalian:
There’s a message here that says if we don’t send twenty million dollars to a Russian address before this timer runs out then our computer files will be deleted.
Michael:
Shiiiiit.
Ext. Planet
Stewart materializes. He gets a confused look on his face and then we see a long view and he’s materialized in the air. He falls into the ocean below.
When he comes to the surface he speaks into his arm communicator.
Stewart:
Michael! Natasha! What’s going on!?
Voice speaks in Russian:
(Pay up, yankee scum!)
Stewart:
Michael! What did you do?
Ext. Planet
Karen is on a beach. She wakes up groggilly.
Karen:
What the hell happened? Stewart? Kent? Where the hell are you?
An arrow flies into her shoulder.
Karen:
Ahh! I knew it was a trap!
She reaches for her blaster.
Karen:
Ugh, no blaster! I should have never listened to Stewart!
She peeks over the hill, a bunch of alien natives are coming toward her. She pulls out a spork.
Karen:
Come on you bastards!
She starts to see double and passes out.
Int. Bridge
Art:
The way I see it we have five major problems. One: we can’t pay $20 million dollars since together we could probably only scrape together two or three mil at best. Two: they left us a Russian bank account info and Russia’s not even in this universe. Three: these ransomware schemes usually are traps to continue blackmailing the poor suckers even if they do pay and the software is usually deleted at the end of in the face of defense anyway to cover up the evidence. And four: without Natasha, we’ll probably crash into the atmosphere and burn up, but you breathers will have probably suffocated a long time before then. Wow, I’d really hate to be captain right now.
Zalian:
You said there were five problems, I only counted three.
Art:
Yeah, well the last one is that I’m pretty sure I was the one who programmed this virus.
Michael:
You!? I think you might have buried the lead there.
Art:
Yeah, it was a side gig used to extort money from Saudi princes, a victimless crime. The malware must have infected a probe which got pulled into this universe. If I’d have known I’d get caught in my own trap I’d have programmed a back door. But speaking of backdoor, how about that porn, huh!?
Michael:
Two minutes into my first command and we’re all going to die. At least the others are safe on that planet.
Ext. Deep underwater
Kent is sinking underwater. He is struggling to open his collar balls.
Kent:
Clumsy balls…
He gets his collar balls off and is able to breathe through his gills. He breathes a sigh of relief and then sees several dark shapes moving toward him.
Int. Hut
Karen wakes up.
Karen:
Ugh, how long have I been out?
She sees an alien and jumps to her feet holding out her spork threateningly. It drops to its knees bowing.
Karen:
Who are you? Why have you not bound my hands? Why have you apparently treated my wound and given me this…rather luxurious hut? Is that a piña collada? This is no way to treat an enemy prisoner! Where’s the torture? I demand answers!
Alien 1 says something in an alien language. He stands and beckons her out of the hut.
Karen:
It’s going to be a trap isn’t it? You treat my wounds and make me feel comfortable and THEN you torture me, I see how it is!
The alien continues beckoning her. She follows it outside.
Karen:
No shit!
There are dozens of aliens bowing before her and behind them is a hastily constructed statue of her holding a spork.
Ext. Ocean
Stewart is floating on an UMP yellow survival raft. He is writing.
Stewart:
It’s been two days since I’ve been stranded on Tina VII, that’s what I’ve named this planet after my brave and beautiful crewmate who is probably dead now, along with the others. I’m not sure what Michael did to cause this, but I can only assume the worst and that is that I am the last surviving member of my crew in this universe. I released a flare my first day, but heard nothing. I have no tech and nothing but emergency rations which are already almost gone. My boat is sinking because of course. I will have to survive on my own skill, ingenuity, and manliness. In other words: I’m pretty fucked! My boat is leaking and let’s keep things real, I’m probably going to die soon. If you’re reading this, I really hope you’ll be my pen pal.
Stewart takes a gulp from the champagne bottle.
Stewart:
That’s your last drop, Mr. Champagne. I know I was supposed to only drink you in the event of something wonderful happening with Tina and I’ve carried you around for years waiting for that day, but it’s about survival now. I need one last mission from you, crewman.
Stewart seals the paper in a bottle and throws it hard.
Tina (offscreen):
Ouch!
Stewart: huh?
We see a giant whale-like animal floating not too far away and Tina is on its back dazed. The bottle had hit her head.
Stewart climbs aboard the back of the cetacean and attempts to hug her although she resists.
Stewart:
Tina! You’re alive!
Tina:
Yeah, i saw your flare and I used my jacket for like a day as a floating device. Then this whalething showed up and was like really easy to kill. I’ve been living off its sushi, it’s pretty good, no wonder Earth whales are extinct.
Stewart:
Why didn’t you use your UMP emergency kit?
Tina:
I never had room with my makeup kit and phone so I left it behind.
Stewart:
You left your emergency kit for your phone? There’s litterally no one in the universe who would call you.
Tina:
Wow, you don’t need to be a B about it.
Stewart:
Sorry.
Tina:
Any sign of the others?
Stewart:
Nope. It’s just you and me.
Tina:
I’m not having sex with you.
Stewart:
What? Who said anything about that?
Int bridge
The crew are floating.
Zalian:
Either the gravity’s gone or these shrooms I found are finally kicking in.
Art:
I suspected gravity was gone when I started floating, but this confirms it.
Michael:
If the gravity’s gone our air can’t last for much longer either. How long do we have?
Art:
The thing about that is we’d need a computer to give us that answer, but we don’t have a computer since you got her kidnapped by the ransomware when you ordered us to watch that porn!
Michael:
That was your idea!
Art:
That’s not how I remember it.
Zalian:
Here’s how I remember it…
Some weird meta fantasy with them in tuxedos iceskatting with penguins or something which has nothing to do with anything.
Michael:
Ugh!
Art:
I don’t breathe so it’s really none of my business, but the more you say “ugh” the more air you use up.
Michael:
Ugh.
Zalian:
I think I remember how to figure out how much air we have left. Give me a pencil. We start with the quantity of air we started with.
Michael:
How much is that?
Zalian:
No idea, we’ll call it X. Then we subtract the amount of air we are consuming.
Michael:
And that is…?
Zalian:
The variable Y, of course. We compensate by adding in Z for the air produced by our garden and all the secret weed I have growing in the service crawlways. Then we either multiply or divide that by our rate of consumption, some math occurs, and the result is our remaining air supply.
Michael:
So how long do we have?
Zalian:
Let’s just say not long…squared.
Michael:
Can we destroy it?
Zalian:
No, math is universal, there is nothing you can do to defeat it, math will always win.
Michael:
No, the probe.
Art:
No, I programmed the virus with an AI that I cleverly called state-of-the-ART. Did you like the pun? It’ll defend itself and retaliate by deleting Natasha immediately.
Michael:
What about the money? How much do we have?
Art:
Including the captain’s piggy bank and the coins that fell into the back of the couch we have just under $1.5 million.
Zalian:
It may be too early to jump to conclusions, but I’m pretty sure $1.5 million is less than $20 million.
Ext island
Karen is sitting on a throne. She sees that the aliens have done their hair up to look like her and are all wearing little spork necklaces.
Karen:
Oh, that is so cute! You guys just adore me! I could be your…your…what was the name of the ancient Jewish socialist carpenter with the crazy hair whose ideas changed the world even though he was persecuted for them at the time? Bernie Sanders? No before him: the construction worker with a Mexican name who looked hot in a diaper. Jesus! I could be your Jesus. I have some wisdom, write this down: thou shalt never invite someone to a party if your intention is to laugh at them when they get there because you never actually intended on inviting them. Thou shalt not never call me four-eyes…you don’t know how to write, do you?
Ext ocean, on whalething’s back which is largely eaten.
Stewart:
This is nice, just you and me on a half-eaten alien whalething at sunrise.
Tina:
Why am I here?
Stewart:
Because Michael fucked our transport up, but let’s not dwell on the small things and instead focus on the here and now. If you can get past the blood, and the smell, and all the scavenger birds, and all our friends being dead, this is kind of….romantic.
Tina:
No, why am I here in this other space, this whole mission? There’s a million better pilots than me–hell, even Michael’s better at flying than me. I cheated on my final, off you, and still failed, but yet you picked me for this mission, why?
Stewart:
I know you’re a good pilot in your heart.
Tina:
I’ll remember you believed in me when we’re crashing into a comet.
Stewart:
I just thought that maybe, you and I could maybe….
Tina:
Ew!
Stewart:
I never finished my sentence how would you know it was an ew-worthy statement?
Tina:
Anything that you and I would do together would be ew.
Stewart:
Let me finish: i just thought that you and I could become…badminton teammates?
Tina:
Ew! That’s what I thought you were going to say. I was almost hoping you were asking me out because even that would be slightly less disgusting.
Stewart:
I thought you’d go easier on me.
Tina:
This _is_ me going easier. It’s not that I don’t like you Stewart, it’s just that I don’t really like being around you, or talking to you, or being seen talking to you. Nothing personal, but I wouldn’t play badminton with you if you were the only guy in the universe.
Stewart:
Our crew’s probably dead, so I might be the only guy in this universe.
Tina:
Then I’m proving my point. Plus, we’re adrift on a whalething, there’s no way we could rig a legal badminton court.
Int bridge
Ext Cruiser. It’s starting to heat up in the outer atmosphere.
Michael:
This is it, after this we have no more ideas. Tell me the plan again.
Zalian:
Did I zone out miss the plan?
Michael:
No, I was just hoping that would trick you into saying of something. Unless you guys come up with something, we’re stuck with plan A.
Art:
And what was that again?
Michael:
Well, Natasha will be deleted when our deadline to pay up has expired, Zalian and I will suffocate, and you will be burned alive as the ship crashes into the atmosphere. That’s pretty much Plan A.
Art
All those muscles and you’re powerless.
Michael:
Unless….
Art
If whatever you’re thinking doesn’t involve the phrase me burning alive, I like it already!
Michael:
Zalian, can you fly the cruiser manually?
Zalian:
Can I fly the cruiser manually?! Ha! He asks if I can fly the Cruiser manually! I really have no idea, can I?
Art:
_No one_ can fly the cruiser when my virus has control of the computer.
Michael:
But you said that if the countdown expires or the probe encounters defence it will remove all evidence of itself by defeating itself completely.
Art:
Yeah, that’s how i hid the evidence from the police. They were always demanding a cut.
Michael:
If we fire missiles at it and get close but miss, it will realize it’s failed to get the ransom, it’ll delete Natasha and itself. But with the virus out of our system, Zalian will at least have manual control and can fly us to a higher orbit.
Art:
Are you saying we should sacrifice one crewmate so that the others should live?
Michael:
I think that’s the sort of decisions captains have to make.
Art:
Damn, the burden of command is a heavy one. Well, since it’s her not me, I say we kill her and get on with our day, what are we waiting for!?
Ext island
Karen is being waited on by her disciples, some of which are dirty. She looks at a mountain in the distance.
Karen:
That mountain really is beautiful, but I think I liked it a little further to the left, could you move it back? And someone get on rearranging these palm trees, they’re not symmetrical enough! Use your protractors, people! You! Blue! How are the brownies coming?
Alien makes some noise.
Karen:
I don’t care that chocolate doesn’t exist on this planet and that you have no idea what I’m talking about, get on it! And when you get done, I’ll tell you more hilariously embarrassing stories of stupid shit my brother’s done.
The aliens grumble but bow and scurry off.
Karen:
I could get used to being a god.
Ext whale’s back
Full page of them sitting awkwardly with their backs to each other as time goes by.
Tina walks up to Stewart sheepishly.
Tina:
Did you really name the planet Tina VII after me?
Stewart:
What? No, where’d you hear that rumor?
Tina holds up the letter in the bottle.
Stewart:
Ah.
Tina:
Look at you, you’re actually happy.
Stewart:
Why would I be happy? For all I know my sister’s dead, my ship’s gone, and I’m stranded on a half eaten whalething with someone who hates me.
Tina:
I don’t hate you, I just don’t like you, there’s a difference. But you’re living an adventure and that’s the sort of thing you were born for. Me, I was born in Uzbekistan where if you survive birth you’ve already had more than enough adventures for one lifetime.
Stewart:
That’s really sad.
Tina:
That’s why I joined UMP, not because I cared about the mission or anything, but it was better than just sitting around praying for the Neo Soviets to rise again. And they will rise again.
Stewart:
It’s funny how we all joined the universal mapping project when really we were just trying to find ourselves.
Tina points to the sky.
Tina:
What’s that, a comet?
Stewart:
That’s the cruiser beginning to burn up in the atmosphere.
Ext island
A bunch of aliens run up to karen and point to the sky.
Karen:
Whoa…that’s the Cruiser. That’s my home. It’s burning up.
The aliens talk amongst themselves.
Blue Alien:
H…o…me?
Karen:
Yeah, home. That’s where i’m from. Maybe if I were up there now i could save it.
The aliens whisper again.
Int bridge. Zalian and Art are missing. Michael is holding a walkie talkie.
Michael:
Art, how’s that torpedo coming?
Int torpedo room
Art is next to a torpedo he has opened.
Art
Torpedo has been armed and is almost ready to be launched manually.
Michael:
Be careful to explode that thing close to the probe but not actually hit it, if we do the virus can’t delete itself and we’ll be all be fucked sideways.
Art:
Don’t worry, missing things is what I do best.
Int manual control room.
Michael (off)
Zalian, you ready?
Zalian:
Who said that? How do you know my name?
Michael:
Fire torpedo.
Art:
I think you’re supposed to say “torpedos away!”
Michael:
Torpedos away!
Art:
Firing torpedo.
Torpedo flies through space and just misses the probe. It explodes.
Michael:
We missed. Yes!
Art looks at the computer and sees “boot drive not found” message and a blank prompt.
Art:
My virus has wiped itself completely from the system. Natasha’s dead. That means the crew has just gone from an 8 to a 6 and if we’re going to maintain even that, you’re going to need to show your biceps a lot more.
Michael:
Zalian, how about getting us to a stable orbit before that shockwave knocks us further into the atmosphere.
Zalian:
I’d love to, but these mushrooms are finally kicking in. I’m having a vision that I’m on some sort of ship crashing into a planet. It’s so realistic!
Micgael:
Fuck me sideways.
The ship falls into the atmosphere and starts to burn up.
Ext ocean, on the whalething’s back tina and stewart are watching the cruiser which is glowing strongly now.
Stewart:
Goodbye baby girl.
Tina:
So long, ART.
Stewart:
See you later, Zalian.
Tina:
What was that other guy’s name?
Stewart:
Michael!
Tina
No, that doesn’t sound right.
Stewart:
It’s Michael.
Tina:
No, that’s not it. The guy with the biceps.
Stewart:
His name was michael.
Tina:
I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree.
Stewart:
Uhh…giant angry whalethings!
Tina:
_That_ was definitely not his name! Was it Chad?
Stewart:
No, look! Giant angry whalethings swimming straight toward us, and they look pissed!
Ext island.
Karen is now tied to a giant wooden spork on a pile of wood.
Karen:
Okay, I get that being your cult leader was a bad idea and maybe, just maybe, I took advantage of your primitive ways, but sacrificing me to appease a burning light in the sky really isn’t a good idea!
One alien walks forward with a torch and lights the pile.
Karen:
You! Blue, you’re my favorite, that’s why I made you high priestess in the church of Karen! Stop this! I command you to stop this! Thou shalt not burn me alive, please!?
The creature walks forward, pulls out a knife, and stabs itself. All the other creatures do the same.
Karen:
Oh fuck me.
Int bridge
The ship is glowing. Michael, Art, and Zalian are hugging each other.
Art:
I always knew that one day porn would kill me.
Michael:
You know, it almost worked. Sure we’re all about to die on my first command, but we had a plan and it almost worked, that’s something.
Zalian:
Sure, that’s something.
Art:
In fact, I can’t remember a time when the Captain’s even had a plan that’s worked.
Michael:
You’re just saying that.
Art:
Nope. Totally serious. Incompetence all around.
Natasha:
Reinstallation complete. Aww, there’s a group hug happening! I love group hugs!
All:
Natasha!?
Michael:
You’re alive!
Art:
Hooray! We’re an 8 again!
Natasha:
Kent has been wiping my memory when we get into fights so I configured a fail safe to automatically reinstall myself from a protected backup whenever he attempts to delete any aspect of my programming. What has he done now?
Michael:
We were looking at alien porn and art’s ransomware kidnapped you and I tried to rescue us by killing you and the captain and others are somewhere on that planet and we’re crashing into it all about to die.
Natasha:
Ah. I’m not sure that all made sense, but would you like me to move the ship out of the atmosphere so we _don’t_ die?
Michael and Art:
Yes!
Zalian:
I’d like to not take sides, I vote present.
Natasha:
Moving the ship out of danger now. Ooh, it looks like there’s some sort of probe up there, would you like me to contact it?
All:
Nooo!!!
Michael:
Destroy it!
Natasha:
Really? You’re not just saying that? I’ve never destroyed anything before! Torpedos away!
Art:
See!
Natasha:
Probe destroyed and stable orbit achieved.
Michael:
So we’re not going to die?
Zalian:
That’s jumping to conclusions. Some day death will take us all, very few escape it, even the universe will one day cool down to point of heat death but that’ll be billions of years from now so we probably won’t see it.
Natasha:
Yep, but for the moment we’re all good. Does anyone want to tell me what’s going on?
Ext Whalething’s back
Stewart:
They’re getting closer and really look angry.
Tina:
I don’t understand. The one we’re on didn’t seem angry at all before I killed it.
Stewart:
Well, I think this is the end of the road.
Tina:
Stewart, I want you to know that if I have to be eaten alive by whalethings on a deserted alien planet, I’m glad it’s happening with you. Maybe I don’t dislike you as much as I thought.
Stewart:
Really? You mean that?
Tina:
I’m still not having sex with you.
The angry whalethings get closer. Then one shoots out of the water and Kent is riding on its back. He jumps off and lands next to the others.
Stewart:
Kent!
Kent:
Captain, Tina.
Stewart:
What are you doing here?
Kent:
It’s an interesting story. This ocean is populated by uber-intelligent whalethings who were once an advanced spacefaring civilization but decided to give it all up and return to the oceans for a life of peace. They were the ones who invited us to this world and were very concerned about us when our transporter acted up. I have been in telepathic communion with them and they have been sharing their great wealth of knowledge about the universe we’re in as well as some interesting facts that could resolve our predicament.
Stewart:
That’s amazing!
Kent:
Yes. When I arrived, I told them that I was the only one with gills, so they’d sent an ambassador out to search for you and protect you.
Stewart and Tina look down at the whalething they’re standing on.
Tina:
Ambassador?
Kent:
Yes. Which, you appear to have eaten. This seems to be an unfortunate theme in our adventures as of late. In whalething society, cannibalism is a serious crime, and they have strict eye-for-eye rules.
Stewart:
So we’re still going to be eaten?
Kent:
Oh yes.
Stewart:
Have you seen any sign of Karen?
Kent:
The whalethings were able to track the transport signals, that’s how we were able to find you. Karen’s signal was on a distant island. It’s quite likely she is on land and has survived. The whalethings say that there is ample food and water on the islands. There is also a humanoid species there but they are so primitive that they don’t have writing or the wheel, have only started using fire a few years ago, and still have religion. Anyone that basic should be no problem for Karen if she stays out of their way.
Stewart:
Well, that’s one good thing. Knowing she’s safe is the only thing that makes the fact that we’re about to be eaten bearable
Ext island
The fire is growing. Karen looks worried.
Karen:
Are any of you still alive? You bastards! You’re lucky I’m not really a god, because I’d smite the fuck out of you right now if I could! You hear that? You’re all smoted! Oooh, this is getting hot. You’re smote, and you’re smote, and you, you are definitely smote!
A transporter beam dissolves Karen.
Int transporter room.
Karen, Stewart, Kent, and Tina rematerialize in the transporter room.
Karen (to Michael):
I smite you.
Stewart sees Karen.
Stewart:
You’re alive!
They hug.
Stewart turns to Michael.
Stewart:
You have a lot of explaining to do! We were nearly eaten by whalethings.
Karen:
And burned at the stake.
Stewart:
I thought you died! I can’t stay mad at you!
Stewart and Michael hug.
Michael:
So you’re not going to kill us?
Stewart:
The way I see it, my ship and crew are all in one piece, so whatever happened up here, you must have done an unexpectedly good job.
Michael:
Oh. Thanks… well, we figured you were going to kill us all, so we took a vote…
Zalian:
I voted “present”.
Michael:
And so my last order as Captain was to have Natasha pump the air with memory drugs so we all would forget the last week. They’ll kick in soon.
Karen:
That’s against all UMP regs! That’s insubordination! That’s…you know, I’m actually cool with it. This week sucked.
Tina:
Yeah, I’m totally cool with it.
Stewart:
But you said you liked me! I don’t want to forget that!
Tina:
I said I didn’t dislike you much.
Art:
Thankfully we’re only going to forget a week, so my memory of where I hid all that Nazi gold will be safe and sound.
Kent:
I’m not saying I don’t deserve to have my memory erased…I totally had it coming…but when I was communing with the whalethings, before we learned tina killed and ate their ambassador, they told me how to open the rift to return us to our own universe.
Stewart:
Really?
Kent:
Yes, it was re…remarkably…is anyone else getting sleepy?…simple…
They all pass out on the floor.
Int bridge
Everyone enters.
Stewart:
Natasha! We were all lying unconscious on the transporter room floor, what’s going on? Are we under attack?
Natasha:
No, of course not, silly! You all got very drunk after a really delicious Hoppla Day dinner Kent and Karen made where they definitely did not serve you dog.
Stewart:
Ah! You made me a Hoppla day meal? Thank you, you’re the best!
Karen:
I don’t remember any of it, but it sounds like something I’d do.
Stewart:
Well, I’m going to hit the gym, you have command.
Tina:
Hey, can I join you? I’ve always wanted to learn how to play badminton.
Stewart:
You serious!? That’s in the top five things I want to do with you, let’s go!
They run off happily.
Kent (whispering to Natasha):
It’s curious. As alcohol does not affect my biology, I do not believe you are telling the truth about why we were all unconscious.
Natasha:
Oh.
Kent:
But, I want you to know I trust that you have a good reason for whatever deception you are conducting. And to help earn your trust, I will not tell anyone of my suspicions.
Natasha:
Thank you. I’ll trust you too.
Karen:
Michael, I know this sounds strange, but for some reason I really don’t feel like bossing anyone around right now.
Michael:
What are you saying?
Karen:
I’m sure the feeling will go away and I’ll be back to my old self soon, but would you mind if we switched seats for this shift?
Michael:
You mean it?
Karen:
Dead serious. What are your orders, Captain Michael?
The end
Other Space (Fanfic): #2 Captain Michael by Cliff Hansen is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
