Author: By Cliff Hansen

Notes: This is fanfiction based on characters and situations created by Paul Feig who has no connection to this text. Also the formatting falls apart halfway through when I decided to not actually draw this as a comic, but it should be still readable.

ONE

——————-

PANEL 1: Empty space.

1. CAPTION: In 2045, to celebrate the end of the war between the United States and Switzerland, a multi-national corporate coalition created the Universal Mapping Project to Explore the known universe for the purposes of scientific inquiry. The following is an account of the U.M.P. Cruiser, an exploratory vessel that went missing in 2105. The crew is as follows:

PANEL 2: A picture of Stewart.

1. CAPTION: Stewart Lipinski, captain of the Cruiser.

PANEL 3: A picture of Karen.

1. CAPTION: Karen Lipinski, first officer and Stewart’s scary sister. Yeah, that happened.

PANEL 4: A picture of Kent.

1. CAPTION: Kent Woolworth, science officer and creepy clone thing.

PANEL 5: A picture of Zalian.

1. CAPTION: Zalian Fletcher, veteran engineer and provider of recreational intoxicants.

PANEL 6: A picture of Tina.

1. CAPTION: Tina Shukshin, navigator and ship’s ambassador to the Alpha Chi Chi sorority.

PANEL 7: A picture of Natasha.

1. CAPTION: Natasha, the ship’s computer, alarm clock, quartermaster, really she does just about everything, and for free since she lacks free will!

PANEL 8: A picture of Art.

1. CAPTION: A.R.T. a robotic stowaway featuring the mind of a crazed millionaire inventor and war profiteer.

PANEL 9: A picture of Chad.

1. CAPTION: Chad from Auxiliary Deck. Okay, he turned out to be an alien imposter who implanted fake memories in the crew. They later found out and ejected him into the cold nothingness of space where he exploded in shower of red goo, but Chad was awesome, and we miss Chad.

PANEL 10: Empty other space.

1. CAPTION: I swear there was someone else. Must be slipping my mind. Oh well, the important people are here. Stuck in a mysterious other space, the crew must use their wits to resist destroying each other, explore this exciting new realm, and find a way home. In other words, they’re fucked.

TWO

——————-

PANEL 1: Closeup of Stewart’s face as he sleeps.

PANEL 2: Stewart wakes up and has a big smile on his face.

PANEL 3: Sitting on his bed in his U.M.P.-issue pajamas, Stewart looks at a calendar which has “Hoppla Day, OMG!” written on one day.

PANEL 4: Stewart sadly looks out the window.

PANEL 5: Mid-long shot of the U.M.P. Cruiser floating through other space. We can still see Stewart looking through the window.

PANEL 6: Long-shot of the Cruiser. It is very alone.

1. STEWART (off): Sigh.

THREE

——————-

PANEL 1: Stewart wanders the hall sadly.

PANEL 2: Stewart enters the empty bridge.

PANEL 3: Stewart slumps down in his chair, bored.

PANEL 3: Still slumping in the chair.

1. STEWART: Natasha?

PANEL 4: Stewart looks at Natasha’s screen which is blank.

1. STEWART: Natasha!

PANEL 5: Natasha appears on the screen wearing just her lingerie.

1. NATASHA: Yes, Captain?
2. STEWART: What time is it?
3. NATASHA: Three thirty seven in the morning. Can’t sleep?

PANEL 6: More sad Stewart obviously talking with sexy Natasha.

1. STEWART: Sigh. It’s the morning of Hoppla day.
2. NATASHA: The day America surrendered to Switzerland?
3. STEWART: That’s not exactly how it happened.

FOUR

——————-

PANEL 1: Stewart is explaining.

1. STEWART: The war was going badly.

PANEL 2: Sepia flashback panel. An American soldier is eating a big block of swiss cheese while his CO is watching him concerned.

1. SOLDIER: This cheese is so good. The holes are the best part!

PANEL 3: Sepia flashback panel. Closeup on the cheese. There is a grenade hiding in one of the holes.

1. CO (off): Run!

PANEL 4: Sepia flashback panel. There’s an explosion.

PANEL 5: Sepia flashback panel. There’s just a crater.

1. STEWART (off): Both sides were expecting to lose.

PANEL 6: Sepia flashback panel. A large meeting hall with many people. Two leaders stand in front.

1. STEWART (off): So they called a meeting. Both sides were planning on surrendering.
2. AMERICAN: We have something to say.
3. SWISS: So do we.
4. AMERICAN: You say it first.
5. SWISS: No, you say it first.
6. AMERICAN: How about we say it at the same time?

PANEL 7: Sepia flashback panel. In the meeting hall, both are speaking at once.

1. AMERICAN & SWISS: We surrender.

PANEL 8: Sepia flashback panel. The two stare at each other in disbelief.

PANEL 9: Stewart is finishing explaining.

1. STEWART: Everyone laughed at the comedic timing and the hilarious metaphor for war and they ushered in a new era of peace which even spawned UMP. I used to love waking up early in the morning on Hoppla to open my presents, eat a big lunch with family, and ritualistically smash watches.

FIVE

——————-

PANEL 1: Stewart and Natasha talking.

1. NATASHA: You must be sad you can’t celebrate Hoppla Day out here.
2. STEWART: No. Maybe. So much! You’re so observant, Natasha!

PANEL 2: Closeup on Stewart.

1. STEWART: I bet it’s going to be the most boring Hoppla day ever!

PANEL 2: Natasha looks confident.

1. NATASHA: I’ll take that bet, because on a rainy day you’re the sort of guy that’ll invite friends over for popcorn and make it special. May I be the first to tell you happy Hoppla day!

PANEL 3: Stewart looks happier.

1. STEWART: You’re right! Thanks, Natasha. You too. Now go back to bed, it’s still early.

PANEL 4: Stewart sitting.

PANEL 5: Stewart gets a look of puzzlement on his face.

1. STEWART: Natasha?

PANEL 6: Natasha peeks back onto the screen while Stewart looks confused.

1. NATASHA: Yes, Captain?
2. STEWART: Why are you in your underwear?

SIX

——————-

PANEL 1: Natasha’s in her underwear, explaining while the Captain listens.

1. NATASHA: Oh, we’re still up playing strip poker in the mess hall. 

PANEL 2: Closeup on Natasha.

1. NATASHA: It’s embarrassing, actually. All those years dealing stud in a sleazy casino, and then when I want to play the game with my friends, I find Zalian has deleted my poker database and filled it with video of cute baby animals.

PANEL 3: Stewart smiles.

1. STEWART: That could be a metaphor for life.

PANEL 4: Natasha has a picture of sloths in a bucket brought up on her screen.

1. NATASHA: I could be angry at Zalian, but how can you be angry when there’s a video of sloths in a bucket, would you like to see?
2. STEWART: Um…yeah!

PANEL 5: Stewart and Natasha are oohing and ahhing.

PANEL 6: Mid shot of bridge.

1. STEWART: Get back to your strip poker game.
2. NATASHA: Thank you, sir.
3. STEWART: And good luck! I expect my girl to kick their bare asses!

PANEL 7: Stewart smiles. 

PANEL 8: Stewart looks at Tina’s seat.

PANEL 9: Suddenly Stewart realizes something he’d missed

SEVEN

——————-

Int. Mess Hall

Stewart bursts in, huffing and puffing. Tina Shukshin and Karen Lipinski are fully clothed, while Michael appears to be completely naked, though he’s blocked by a table. Natasha is as we saw before.

Karen:

Stewart? Something wrong?

Stewart:

What? Noooooo.

Natasha:

You appear to be out of breath and you heart rate is elevated.

Stewart:

No, I just…oh my god, what happened to ART!?

Art is a pile of exposed wires.

Art:

A pair of eights happened to me! Eights!

Tina holds her hand up to her forehead.

Tina:

Looooooser!

Zalien walks in. He’s completely naked.

Stewart

Whoa, Zalian…

Zalian:

Oh, hey. Are you playing strip poker? Can I join?

EIGHT

——————-

Karen

Sorry I didn’t invite you, Stewart, I didn’t want it to be awkward like that masquerade party back at the academy.

Stewart

I thought we agreed never to mention that!

Karen

You didn’t want to play, did you?

Stewart

No, that’s okay, I’ve got captain things to do.

Karen

Cool. Read em and weep!

Tina

Well there goes my shirt!

She strips to her bra.

Stewart’s eyes bulge. He looks at Tina and smiles. Then he looks at Karen and looks uncomfortable. Repeat.

Karen smiles. 

Karen:

Deal me out, I’ve got some stuff to do. But not before michael pays up!

Michael groans. He reaches down…and deposits his leg on the table.

NINE

——————-

Karen leaves the mess hall. She runs into Kent who is working on a computer.

Karen

Hi, Kent. Didn’t you get my message that you could take a break and play a few hands with us?

Kent

I did consider it, but I felt that on the off chance I should lose, my body may make others uncomfortable.

Karen

Yeah.

Kent:

After all, I have come to accept my body as beautiful, and I don’t want to make the others jealous.

Karen

How’s our secret project coming, anyway?

Kent:

Despite a few minor setbacks, I’d say nearly complete. If it works, this food metabolizer will shorten the growing time from seed to vegetable from months to just moments.

Karen

And if it doesn’t work?

Kent

Then the beam will backfire throughout the ship and we will all age to dust in mere seconds, the Cruiser herself withering away to rust in less than a week. But I have a feeling we’d all agree that’s an acceptable risk for some cauliflower!

Karen

Well, make sure it works! Hoppla day is Stewart’s favorite holiday. He’s gone nuts about it since we were kids. He’s trying not to look depressed, but I know being away from it is getting to him, and our grandma’s fresh Hoppla pie would be just the thing to cheer him up!

Kent

I never had a childhood, just a lengthy dreamless sleep which i would occasionally be yanked from for the unwelcomed surgical extraction of organs and in the intense pain I would yearn again for the nothingness of unconsciousness.

Karen

Um… Hey, what’s that?

TEN

——————-

Kent

Zooming in.

Karen

Wow, I actually never saw anything and was just trying to find a way out of your creepy story.

Kent

Your honesty is appreciated, but there is some sort of craft out there, artificial in origin.

Karen

There’s some writing. Zoom in right there.

Kent

It appears to be Cyrillic though I’m not sure that qualifies as writing.

Karen holds her arm next to the computer. It says sending on the screen and receiving on her armband.

Karen

Be right back

ELEVEN

——————-

Int mess hall

Natasha is topless. She’s pixellated.

Zalian

How come your bajumbas are pixellated, Natasha?

Natasha

Oh, I’m freemium software. The full resolution version of these parts are only available with an update to the profession version.

Michael

Professional version?

Natasha

Yes, in addition to high resolution genitals, the professional version of my software contains 33/7 access to tech support, a wider selection of hair and wardrobe options, and access to more accurate star charts.

Tina

Wait, our star charts aren’t accurate?

Natasha

Well, they’re the budget American ripoff.

Art

I only used to sell American products when I was trying to make a cheap buck. If you want quality, you should always buy Chinese.

Michael (to Tina)

Maybe you’re not as bad at navigating as everyone thinks.

Tina:

Everyone think that?

TWELVE

——————-

Karen comes in.

Karen

Shukshin, can you read Cyrillic?

Tina holds up her cards.

Tina

Only if you can read this hand: read em and weep, beyotches!

Everyone but Karen groans. Michael and Stewart take off their shirt and, pixelated, Natasha finishes off.

Karen shows Tina her armband.

Karen

What does this say?

Tina:

Satellite 2. If I remember right, that was a great post-modern industrial pop band.

Karen:

I think I remember it from somewhere else, got to go!

Tina:

You sure you don’t want to stay and watch things get breezy for your brother? That sounded less gross in my head.

THIRTEEN

——————-

Karen rejoins Kent.

Karen

It’s an old Earth satellite, Sputnik 2.

Kent

It must have been pulled into this space the same as us and Pluto.

Karen

Can you bring it onboard without alerting the others?

Kent

Sure, but why the secrecy?

Karen

We have a tradition that on Hoppla day, if you have behaved, something truly magical will happen to you. So much has gone wrong for Stewart, but if I’m right, and the universe does me this one solid, there may be an Hoppla Day miracle on that craft!

Kent pushes some buttons and accidentally turns the beam on a box of seeds.

Kent

Autodock initiated, let’s go!

FOURTEEN

——————-

Int docking bay.

Kent

And it’s successfully docked.

Karen

Please, please, please! Hoppla day miracle!

She pulls off the cover. Inside, frozen in ice is a dog.

Karen

Yes!

Kent

What is it?

Karen

That’s Laika, Earth’s very first astronaut!

Kent

I had no idea humans had evolved so quickly in a few hundred years. The loss of hair alone is incredible!

Karen

No, that’s a dog.

Kent

There’s no reason to be insulting. You have grown accept my appearance, I would hope that kindness would spread to others of your species, no matter how primitive.

FIFTEEN

——————-

Karen

Look! The scanner shows she’s perfectly cryogenically frozen! Can you thaw her out? Stewart has always wanted to have a dog but our parents wouldn’t let him because of his allergies. Having the first dog in space will be a dream come true for him!

Kent

That is an oddly specific dream, but one I’ll be happy to deliver.

Karen

Remember, keep this a secret till dinner!

Large explosion.

Karen

What’s that!?

Kent

I worry that, left alone, the other half of our secret has just revealed itself let’s go!

SIXTEEN

——————-

Karen and Kent are standing at the door to the cargo bay with jaws open. Michael, art, stewart, and Zalian join them in various states of undress.

Michael

Whoah…

Stewart

Karen, what happened here?

We see it’s full of plants.

Karen

Kent and I were trying to surprise you with some fresh Hoppla Day pie, but it looks like we accidentally generated enough food for a lifetime!

Stewart

You two are in big trouble! JK! This is amazing, I love it! It’s a proper garden of eden in here!

Natasha

If I remember my mythology, captain, the garden of eden needed a naked guy in it. And since you lost your bet…

Stewart

What bet?

Natasha

You bet me that this Hoppla Day would be boring, and I think we all agree it’s not.

Stewart sighs and drops his boxers. Tina and Art peek, Karen shields her eyes.

Kent

Somehow that’s not what I thought that would look like.

SEVENTEEN

——————-

Later….

In the mess hall, they are all dressed in their formals and eating.

Stewart

I just want to say that this is the best Hoppla day ever! It’s a day to spend with our families and I’m happy to have my family right here.

Karen

Aw, thanks Stewart.

Stewart

I mean everyone. I love you all. Selfie!

EIGHTEEN

——————-

Karen

You are really going to love our big surprise!

Stewart

Bigger than this Hoppla Day pie? It’s good, by the way, even better than Grandma’s!

Karen

It is really good. Kent, I don’t know how you got the processor to simulate goat so well.

Kent

It’s not simulated goat.

Karen

Huh?

Kent

It’s space dog. Surprise!

Everyone starts choking on their meal.

Karen

What the hell have you done!?

Kent

I defrosted it for dinner just as you requested. You said the captain had always wanted to have a dog.

Zalian

I knew it tasted familiar.

Natasha

If I can interrupt this awkward moment, I need you all on the bridge. There’s some kind of space station out there!

To be continued if I don’t get sued…

Other Space (Fanfic): Hoppla Day by Cliff Hansen is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0